bitterfic (bitterfic) wrote in slash_slash,
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Inching Towards Atonement; Harry Potter Fic

Title: Inching Towards Atonement
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Remus Lupin/Fenrir Greyback
POV:
Remus Lupin
Summary:
After his closest friends are murdered and his lover arrested in connection with their deaths Remus Lupin, consumed by guilt, embraces his own personal demon. 
Rating:
R
Word Count:
Approximately 1120
Warnings: Angst, violence, rape/non-con, drinking and rampant promiscuity implied.
Disclaimer:  I did not create these characters.  I do not own them nor do I profit from them in any way.
Beta Reader:  Nzomniac 
(much gratitude)


Inching Towards Atonement

 

 

I argued with my parents before the attack.  My mother had probably told me to put away my books, to go out and play like a normal little boy.  My father had laughed.  So I went out, resenting them, and I stayed out to spite them.  Stayed out after dark.  That was when Fenrir Greyback found me.  Afterwards I was never a normal little boy again. 

 

            During all those years my parents took me to healers and witch doctors looking for a cure, I always thought it was my fault I was attacked, my fault I became a werewolf.  Why me of all the children out in the full moon that night?  Because I had called Fenrir Greyback; somehow my anger had drawn him to me. 

 

            If that was true, I started calling for him again when James died.  And by the time Voldermort killed Lily and Sirius was arrested for murdering Peter I was screaming for him at the top of my lungs.  Pleading for him to come and get me to come rip my heart out. 

 

I didn’t know what I know now.  I only knew that the four people who meant the most to me in the world were gone and it was my fault.   Because I had known Sirius better than anyone.  I had seen in him the darkness, cruelty, and treachery that would culminate in his betrayal of the Potters and his murder of Peter. 

 

I had seen it and I might have stopped it but I chose to love him blindly.  I looked away whenever Severus Snape’s dark eyes beseeched me for help or he appeared in class with a fresh bruise on his face.  I dismissed his hateful behavior towards his younger brother as political differences.  And those times that he’d turned on me I had always accepted it and went on pretending he was exactly what he appeared to be. 

 

During Sirius’ trial, I started courting death.  For me death looked like Fenrir Greyback, felt like him, smelled of him.  I courted him by walking the streets of London late at night, drunk from the lowest, most dangerous places I could find.  I went down on him in back alleys and the back rooms of the seediest, darkest dives where Muggles or Wizards gathered.  I let strangers push me against walls, against floors, black my eyes, take whatever money I had.  It was never enough to make me forget I’d lost everything so I kept on and I went further.

 

 

Those few friends I had who were still living saw that I was coming apart.  They wanted to help me but I didn’t want their help.  They wanted me to find hope.  I wanted to find oblivion.  During the course of Sirius’s trail I dropped most of them.  I made myself unreachable. 

 

Fenrir Greyback finally found me five months after everything happened in the bleak and chilling days of early spring. I was in a Knockturn Alley pub when I noticed a figure in dark, concealing robes watching me.  Even through my alcoholic haze and the deep shadows of his hood, I could see his blazing yellow eyes.  I left the pub alone, knowing he would follow me.  He did. 

 

Still, when he lurched out of the shadows I felt such pure horror I forgot it was what I wanted.  I tried to fight him; he could overpower me as easily as he had when I was a child. It was not a full moon, he was as human as I was, but it still seemed like the wolf was in him. He was so strong, so fast his blows knocking everything askew till the world was spinning around me. 

 

When he caught me by the throat I screamed.  It made no difference.  Screams in Knockturn Alley went unheard even when no spells had been cast.   He clutched me to him, his hands prowling over me.  His heavy nails ripping through my clothes and into my skin. When he tore into my neck with his teeth, everything went black with the pain before jolting back into sickening focus- he was lapping my blood with his hot, rough tongue.

 

“I’ve tasted you before,” Greyback said.  “You’re one of mine.”  And for an instant fear surged through me again.  Fear that he would let me go. 

 

“Keep going,” I whispered almost too terrified to speak aloud.  “Don’t stop.”  He laughed coarsely. 

 

“I never planned to,” he said and ground his pelvis against me so I could feel how hard he was. 

 

Up to that point I had though he was going to beat me, maybe kill me.  Realizing what he had planned, I struggled against him as hard as I could cursing him but between the curses I was screaming at him to do it. 

 

He smashed me into the filthy pavement, the rubbish bins, the walls around us till one blurred into the other and I couldn’t be sure if I was standing or on the ground. I was slipping in and out of consciousness.  Aware one moment that he was in my mouth thrusting down my throat; the next moment only blackness.  But I was aware when he forced inside me, excruciating pain as he tore me open finally numbing as he pounded and pounded and pounded his gnarled fingers dug so deep in my hips he seemed to hold the bones themselves. 

 

As he came he growled then ripped himself free of me, tossed me on the cobblestones.  I looked up at him, his hood had fallen away and I could see him in all his hideous depravity- his long yellow teeth, his matted hair and contorted features.  I thought of Sirius and how beautiful he had been.  How for five years I had lain in beauty’s bed and what had come of it.

 

When I was a little boy Greyback had ripped me to shreds, destroyed a life that hadn’t even happened yet.  This time was different.  As before I was violated, degraded and in intense physical pain but this time, to my cracked mind, it served a purpose.  If Lily Potter stood a thousand miles away her hand stretched out to me, Greyback had brought me an inch closer to her.  

 

He started to walk away.  I forced myself to my knees, spitting out a mouthful of blood.

 

“Don’t leave me,” I called after him.  “Let me come with you.”

 

He turned around.  “What’s that, boy?  Ready to join the pack?”  I nodded.  I forced myself to smile a twisted bloody smile.  He pulled me to my feet.  “Come on then.”

 

I spent the next three years inching my way towards atonement. 

 

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